*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
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I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Incredible customer service.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch