The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
You Might Also Like
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*