Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
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If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.