I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
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Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher