Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
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normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos