“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
You Might Also Like
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir