Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
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Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
sugar glider wrangler
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.