Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
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Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
When does CPR become necrophilia?