I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
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GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
S/o to @funTweeters .
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz