He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
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“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.