At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
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My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.