my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
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*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ