Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
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Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
turning my gender off to conserve energy
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.