Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
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Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Netflix and you sit over there.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?