The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
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(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Just me?
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Does it…does it take 3 days
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse