(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
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See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Got him!
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
My sex drive has a dui
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.