*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
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Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
what my late-night hot pocket sees
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Had an epiphany today.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War