I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
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Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Candles never taste the way they smell
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
An odd boast
Autocorrect is my menesis
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t