WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
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I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.