everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
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SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.