Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
You Might Also Like
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”