I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
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I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.