Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
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Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
No point crayon over spilled milk.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?