Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
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Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.