5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
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It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.