Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
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[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
☺️
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.