if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
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sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.