it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
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If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.