A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
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I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
My current situation
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.