“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
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Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.