my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
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some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance