Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
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The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Lmfao
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over