Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
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Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.