Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
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me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Good morning y’all ☀️
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
No way!
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad