Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
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[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.