Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
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Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”