Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
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Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.