What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
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*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”