You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
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Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.