If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
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I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Pickled cat.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
let’s discuss
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Guy who likes music
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”