you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
You Might Also Like
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Follow me for more life hacks.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz