I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
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Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
guys I’m going home
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Every work meeting this week
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere