A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
You Might Also Like
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I love wikipedia
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.