Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks