ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
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me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Eat…
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.