I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
You Might Also Like
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?