I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
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If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
why would tinder want me to say this
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes