Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
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[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Yes
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*