Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
You Might Also Like
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
The first matador
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”