The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
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Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”